1. Illegal drug tax
I know. Wrap your brain around that one for a minute. We’ll come back to it.
It’s difficult to win the coveted “dumbest tax” award. You have some seriously stiff competition. We’ve already covered quite a few of the contenders, and we haven’t even touched on some of New York’s finest taxes, like the extra levies on haunted houses, or bagels (wanna eat at the bagel shop? That costs extra). Fun is taxed in Kansas and West Virginia (hot air balloon rides and sparklers, respectively). Professional athletes have to pay tax for money they earn during away games in at least 20 states (you beat the Lakers in L.A., and you will pay – you will pay Jerry Brown, that is).
Good grief, the New York City Fire Department proposed charging a $500 “crash tax” to anyone involved in an accident that required emergency response. That’s assuming you survived, I guess. If you don’t, that’s when King County in Seattle gets you. They now charge $50 to REPORT a death. If you don’t pay, you can’t get the paperwork needed for a burial. Kinda gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “death and taxes.”
But for pure, unadulterated imbecility, nothing compares with the government’s attempt to dislodge tax money from illegal drug transactions. In several states, you are supposed to drop by your local tax collection office and pay the tax on your illegal drugs ahead of time. They will give you a stamp that you can attach to your container of illegal drugs (the amount of tax you pay, of course, depends on the size of your stash). Anyway, don’t worry your little head for one second that you will get arrested at the tax office, no sirree! It’s illegal for tax authorities to report you to those other, mean authorities. Should those meanies get you, however, your stamp will prove that you are a law-abiding taxpayer! Or… er… well, I’m not sure what it proves.
The feds are just as dumb when it comes to taxes. IRS tax guidelines at one point say, “…illegal income, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Form 1040, line 21.” There you go, scummy drug dealer. A little free tax advice from me. You’re welcome.
Taxes are serious business, of course. In the future I hope to bring you some lists of the most outrageous taxes that really are crushing our quality of life. But this nickel-and-diming stuff, the taxes that are thought up by legislators who seem to be completely daft – they have a way, when added up, of crushing the spirit. That would be the Spirit of Liberty, who is down but not out. She’s gearing up (after Obama’s latest raise-taxes, tax-the-rich speech) for another fight against the Spirit of Tax Day Past, Tax Day Present… and especially Tax Day Future. God bless us, everyone!
