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Hope for the Unemployed: If Helen Thomas Can Find a Job, So Can You!

Posted on January 8 2011 11:22 am
Jesse Hathaway survived the progressive re-education camps of Ohio University and the People’s Republik of Athens, and now lives and blogs in beautiful Myrtle Beach, SC. Follow him on Teh Twitter, and become part of his Right Turns Only posse.
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As the economy spits and sputters towards recovery, there are signs of hope starting to sprout out there for us job-seekers. One of those signs of recovery is proof that even the most odious and repugnant job seekers can find gainful employment if they just look in the right places.

Yes, even if you believe that Hollywood and Washington have been taken over by “Zionists,” like Helen Thomas.

Thomas, who was fired by Hearst Newspapers in June 2010 for suggesting that Israelis living in Israel should “get the hell out of Palestine” and “go home to Germany,” was recently hired by the Falls Church News-Press as a columnist, to much fanfare. Well, as much fanfare as one of those underground progressive weekly fishwraps can give.

Helen Thomas’s new gig has a total circulation of 30,000, which is quite a smaller market than she may be used to. Before she went full-retard and was fired, much to the dismay of al-Qaeda (seriously) and the Council on American-Islamic Relations, Thomas enjoyed the perks of being a syndicated columnist for one of the largest newspaper conglomerates in the nation, and sat in the vaunted front-row seat of the White House press pool. Now, she writes for a newspaper that was voted “Best Remnant of the Liberal Media” in 2008.

News-Press editor Nicholas Benton, who is a former member of the certifiably-insane political movement to get Lyndon LaRouche elected President, writes that he “[remains] firmly convinced that she is neither bigoted, nor racist, nor anti-Semitic.” Except when she tells a Jew to go back to Germany, of course.

As a LaRouchite, Benton campaigned on the winning campaign planks of building a land bridge across the world, fighting the British Queen’s insidious plot to rule the world, and colonizing Mars by 2025. If that doesn’t scream “whackadoodle,” I don’t know what does.

So take heart, all you unemployed folks looking for work! No matter how extreme, socially unacceptable or backwards your beliefs are, all you have to do is find your own Lyndon LaRouche-loving, underground news rag-publishing progressive sugar daddy, and people will be using your anti-Semitic rants to line birdcages and housebreak the new puppy again in no time flat!

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