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Hot Post: TSA’s Master Plan: Secure the Planes by Eliminating the Passengers

Posted on November 21 2010 5:00 pm

This popular post was originally published on November 17, here.

Sometime in the near future an individual with a name that sounds like “dad-gum-it” and an outfit resembling a severe sort of muumuu will present himself at an airport security checkpoint. His successful passage through security will be interrupted when the explosive device hidden in his rectum detonates as he powers up his mobile phone. Happily for those nearby the device will be a partial dud, unhappily for him it will not be a complete one. We have no way of knowing, but it is probable the last thought that will go through his mind will be “oh wait, didn’t they tell me to leave the phone off until …”

If precedent means anything the TSA will then ignore the obvious lessons – i.e. don’t let a man dressed like Lawrence of Arabia, bathed in flop-sweat and walking like he has a kielbasa up his bum, board a plane – and focus right in on mobile phones and rectums. The former will be banned from airports. No more phone calls for you. The latter, given the fact they really can’t be banned (a cause for some relief in the upper echelons of DHS), will be subject to the now-standard TSA response, further expanding the market bubble in x-ray machines and latex gloves.

As the “universal body cavity probe” takes hold, so to speak, phrases like “don’t touch my polyps” will become the viral war-cry. Janet Napolitano will issue an announcement, which by now will be a kind of fill in the blanks affair, stating that if these [enter invasive procedure here]: impromptu colonoscopies will save one life they are more than justified. She will then threaten harsh penalties for anyone who refuses to comply, without specifying what could be harsher than the thing not being complied with.

CAIR will of course demand, and obtain, an exemption, which in turn will prompt brisk sales of blackout curtains and Zorro masks.

This will continue to be a hot topic until somebody else with a name that sounds like “mom’s habit” comes within an eyelash of checking through a suitcase nuke (foiled the last minute when alert staff notice the conveyor belt is melting) after which the TSA will sensibly ban all luggage.

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