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Having an “Empire State of Mind” Means Never Having to Say “Sorry”

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Posted on November 19 2010 12:00 pm
Jesse Hathaway survived the progressive re-education camps of Ohio University and the People’s Republik of Athens, and now lives and blogs in beautiful Myrtle Beach, SC. Follow him on Teh Twitter, and become part of his Right Turns Only posse.
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Famous rapper. Owner of the New Jersey Nets. Rabid Bush-Basher. Complete ignoramus.

All of these terms, and many other noun-adjective pairs, have been used to describe Jay-Z—real name Shawn Carter—whose aliases include “Lucky Lefty,”  “Jiggy,” and “H.O.V.A.”

But “conspiracy theorist”? That’s a new low, even for Jiggy.

Appearing on the “Late Show with David Letterman” to promote his new autobiography, Decoded, Carter was asked if the prevalence of crack cocaine was to blame for the violence of Brooklyn, circa 1980, when rap music was in its infancy.

Jay-Z blamed the violent state of 1980s-era Brooklyn on—this is a really deep analysis, so I suggest that you sit down before continuing to read this sentence—Ronald Reagan.

As he so eloquently explains:

During that time, you know, all joking aside, you know, this whole Reaganomics, Iran-Contra, you know, all the drugs that influenced, I mean, infiltrated our neighborhoods and was everywhere like you could smell the stench in the hallways. You know, it was just, we were overcome with this thing and it was fast money and, you know, it’s inescapable.

In other words, President Reagan’s efforts to reduce government spending and regulation, reduce income tax rates, and rein in monetary inflation caused inner-city youths to kill each other and do drugs. Talk about the “moral hazards of economic policies!”

Fret not, if you don’t understand the eloquent progressiveness of Jay-Z, though. In Decoded, Jay-Z complains about the rise of “the Fox News dummies […] wouldn’t know art if it fell on them,” and stands by rapper Kanye West’s claim that President Bush is a racist, which not even West believes.

Jay-Z’s smears against Reagan and conservatism are a symptom of a larger problem, though. In 2009, Jay-Z gave a concert at the Obama For America Staff Ball, where he sang, “I got 99 problems but a Bush ain’t one,” to much applause by progressives across the nation.

In 2010, British reporters accused Jay-Z of racism, after Caucasian fans were allegedly banned from his afterparty celebration at the Merah nightclub in London. Daily Star reporter Kim Dawson alleged that “[she’d] been to countless showbiz bashes, and has “…never met meatheads like those at the Jay-Z [party],” claiming “it was clear white people were not welcome in his VIP area.

If those are the symptoms, then the diagnosis must be acute celebrity progressivitis, and Mr. Z’s case is clearly in the advanced stages. Fortunately for Izzo, suffering from acute celebrity progressivitis causes the sufferer no physical pain. However, it does cause other people physical pain, when they slam their heads on their desks after hearing his ill-informed political rants.

Of course, if the rumors that Jay-Z might be officially joining President Obama’s 2012 campaign are true, then may God have mercy on all our “Fox News dummy” souls.…

Jesse Hathaway survived the progressive re-education camps of Ohio University and the People’s Republik of Athens, and now lives and blogs in beautiful Myrtle Beach, SC. Follow him on Teh Twitter, and become part of his Right Turns Only posse.

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