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Bill Maher: Beware of the incontinent, paunchy, racist church-goers who control our minds

Posted on September 17 2010 3:00 pm
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What is it called when someone has paranoid delusions that someone with paranoid delusions is out to get him? Whatever it is, Bill Maher has it in spades. This guy is seriously paranoid about paranoid Christians – or as he calls them, “nativist bedwetters” who wave signs on Tax Day and offer burnt sacrifices, I gather, to the most “Evil Dingbat,” Sarah Palin.

On Monday’s Tonight Show, Maher snarked about the dreaded Sunday School teachers, organists, moms in jumpers, and little girls in patent leather shoes who “control the national dialogue” and “perpetuate mass delusion” – through electromagnetic microwaves, I suppose, that shoot from church steeples to the implants in his brain.

Maher explained to Jay Leno that places of worship are where “people go to retell nonsense stories from a time before men understood what a germ or an atom was, or where the sun went at night.”

In other words, before “men” understood that a germ is a “masterpiece of miniaturized complexity that makes a spaceship or a super computer look low-tech” and what Richard Dawkins said contains a “digitally-coded database larger than all the volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica put together;” and that every night the sun manages to “go” to just the precise place that doesn’t turn us all into french fries or popsicles.

I think Maher was implying that the belief – most common among churchgoers – that those things couldn’t have popped into place by themselves, proves that believers are a threat to society.

“They try to telepathically communicate with their imaginary friend. These [churches] are places that fleece people and scare people and they perpetuate mass delusion. We shouldn’t build any of them.”

Maher’s delusional paranoia of delusional paranoiacs is marked by frequent, sarcastic statements about an imaginary army of scared, backward, impaired, gun-toting, racist, fat rednecks, who are coming to get him. Like this statement to Leno’s audience:

“They’re just, they’re afraid of a mosque being built in New York,” he said. “They’re afraid of guns. You know, they think Obama, who like every other pussy Democrat, has never said a single word about gun control, but they’re very sure that he, he and his Negro army are coming after, coming after their guns. You know what? If you think he’s coming after your guns, you need to get out of your chat room, and have your house tested for lead. He’s not coming after your guns or your Bible or your fishing pole or your chewing tobacco and there’s not a monster under your bed. That’s the ab lounger you ordered and never used.”

I think Maher is the one who’s afraid. Afraid of figmental tobacco-chewing cave-dwellers. Afraid of potlucks with tuna casserole and green beans with French’s French-Fried Onions on top. Afraid of the Gaither Trio. Afraid of Bibles. Especially afraid of Bibles. Big Bill Clinton Bibles. Gigantic white vinyl coffee-table Bibles with gold trim, which one of these days a tiny blue-haired lady in a red-white-and-blue straw hat is gonna use to beat him to a pulp.

Calm down, Maher. Churches have been around for a long time. Bibles have been around for a long time. Nobody’s controlling dialogue or perpetuating mass delusion. Nobody’s coming after your bile-resistant microphone, your Moo Shoes, or your copy of Brave New World, and Jerry Falwell isn’t hiding under your bed. That’s the bottle of Haldol your doctor ordered and you never used.

More Maher loopiness at Daily Caller.

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