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A Memo to the Palmetto State

Posted on June 4 2010 6:00 pm
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Dear South Carolina,

Hi.  I know it’s been awhile since we last spoke directly (Senior Beach Week circa 1996) but as your upstairs neighbor, I felt it was my duty to share my distress over your lifestyle.

Look, we all love a good party.  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like downing a drink bigger than their head at Margaritaville or being verbally assaulted at Dick’s Last Resort.  But whoever decided that Myrtle beach-style politics was a winning strategy has spent too much time at the head shops down on the strip.  To make this easier on your remaining petrified braincells, here’s a concise list of my concerns:

  • Defilement of the Appalachian trail. Seriously uncool for your former governor, Don Juan Sanford to turn a pristine natural habitat into a sexual metaphor.  Just for that, you’ve handed David Letterman more material for his insipid routine and added five years to his contract.  Appreciate that.
  • Will Folks’ Cirque du Sleaze. Just when we thought we could put Sanford and Soulmate reality tv behind us, the nation’s attention was directed to the sordid claims of a homely blogger.  Thanks to RedState jumping into the fray, we know the democratic candidate for governor Andre Bauer is allegedly behind Will Folks’ claims of a sexual relationship with republican candidate, Nikki Haley.  Oh, and some other dude claiming the same.  Adding insult to injury, “Christian Legitimacy Cop” David Brody has piled on, questioning Haley’s religious sincerity.  (Another hit job by Bauer?)  I don’t know, something about hearing the republican frontrunner for governor saying, “I did not have sexual relations with that man, Will Folks, and that other man, what’s his name, nor am I some pagan Sikh worshiper,” smacks of immature witch-hunting.
  • “Raghead” is not a term of endearment. Someone needs to tell state Senator Jake Knotts that a “free wheeling, anything-goes” internet radio show broadcast from a “pub” is not a carte blanche license for racial slurs. No, pounding shots of Cuervo prior to speaking is not an excuse.  Thanks for reinforcing one of the most egregious stereotypes of the South, yet again.
  • Slack-jawed amnesty shills. I don’t know how to make this any clearer other than to beg: please, dear God for the love of justice, please stop foisting Lindsey Graham on the rest of the country.  I don’t think I need to remind you who lives in the White House and is super eager to legalize millions of undocumented new Democrat voters.  Anytime you want to stop voting in a guy intent on fulfilling Obama’s wish would be great.

I know many of you good South Carolina patriots reject this behavior and are working for reform.  I applaud you.  I want to personally thank you for the gift of one Jim DeMint who has been faithful in challenging the administration and liberal congress, representing conservatism proudly.  Seriously though, the poor guy needs some back up.  He’s looking more like a worn refugee than a true representative of your great state.

For the rest of you, I can’t be worried about you guys partying hard below me all the time when we have our own mess to clean up here in NC.  You have to start showing the rest of the nation how Southerners can govern and succeed.  Now put down that classy bottle of Aftershock and sober up, we’ve got elections to win.

I’ll see you at Broadway at the Beach in August.

Love, Bee

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