Co-Sleeping and Other Politically Correct Parenting Concepts
According to yesterday morning’s segment on Good Morning America, getting kids to sleep in their own beds has become so difficult it’s costing parents money. Parents like George Stephanopoulos and his wife have turned to sleep therapists to help them get their kids to bed at night.
“Ellie and I are now waving the white flag in our battle to get our kids our of our bed at night, but we know this is not a unique struggle. So how do you get your kids to sleep in their own rooms?”
“You are definitely not alone,” says ABC contributor Cameron Mathison. “Vanessa and I love our kids more than anything else in the whole world, just like you, but our kids, 3 and 6, were sleeping in our bed every single night.”
While the media act all chummy about this problem, the reality is far from funny. The truth is that parental discipline has broken down completely — and the reason for it isn’t merely the parents’ fault. They only parent the way they do because of the politically correct society in which we live.
Being politically correct means being overly sensitive to people’s feelings. It means avoiding the use of certain terminology and always approaching conversation by carefully treading the minefield of people’s emotions — the inference being that there are some people who are so weak and vulnerable, they can’t handle the truth. When it comes to parenting, this viewpoint translates to the idea that the tough love approach to discipline — which requires straightforward talk and firmness in delivery — hurts children’s feelings, crushes their self-esteem, and will cause them to end up in a therapist’s office.
Yet it is parents who are turning to therapists.
Notice Mr. Mathison’s initial response to the problem he and his wife had (they’ve since resolved the problem) with co-sleeping: The first thing he says in defense of himself is that he and his wife “love their kids more than anything else in the whole world.” Why is expressing our love for our children the first thing we think of when talking about discipline? This is the natural outcome when we associate being strict with being less loving. Indeed, today’s parents are confused about how to love their children and discipline them at the same time. They’re so used to the how-does-that-make-you-feel approach society has taught them, they’ve lost parental control.
And there’s no greater loss of control than lying in one’s bed with one’s spouse with children who refuse to leave your space.
The answer to the sleep problem is simple: Never let your children sleep in your bed in the first place. If they’re sick, that’s one thing. If they have a nightmare, that’s another. But after you’ve taken care of their emotional needs, send them back to their rooms. If they get out, then be firm and put them back in their rooms. It will only take 1o trips if you’ve allowed them in your bed in the first place. Don’t allow them in your bed.
This is, admittedly, difficult for parents who’ve been raised to be mushy about communication. It’s also difficult for a generation of parents whose lives are chaotic. When you’re sleep deprived yourself, your defenses are down. The easiest thing to do when conflicts emerge is to let your child do what he wants. But do this long enough and life at home becomes hell.
Parents like George Stephanopoulos don’t need therapists; there’s nothing wrong with their children. The problem is with society — and with parents who’ve succumbed to the pressure. Adults are the ones who have changed; children come into the world exactly the way they always have, and they still need the same thing: tough love.
Suzanne Venker is an author, blogger, and former teacher. You can read more of her work at No Bull Mom and Right Pundits.
That's how I sleep with my cats !
fs
My wife slept in the same bed and later in the same room (separate beds) with our child for twelve years. I was really mad and tormented by this behavior. Needless to add, I'm in total agreement with this article and have suffered tremendously because of the "choices" described.
mad, tormented, suffered…..you sound terribly ungrateful for your caring wife and children. Maybe you should hook up with Brooke. You are clearly NOT a philosopher Jack.
Cheri:
Get a grip, sweet'ums. Sleeping with one's own children is WAY BEYOND THE PALE and far past the "loving parent template". But when such behaviors also mean the abdication of conjugal life, a line has been crossed. Jack didn't divorce his wife (from what I've read), which is frankly admirable of him. I suspect Frank loves his kids – probably a lot more than he loves their mother nowadays.
These parents are the same ones who wind up whining at their children in the grocery store, (attempting to get them to behave) an occurrence that I can personally attest to the rise of, having been a cashier for 10 years!
The Birkels have a somewhat different perspective on this issue; blog post forthcoming.
The Birkels are wrong.
How sad that today's parents are so ignorant and unprepared to parent correctly. I believe being older and giving birth is very bad for the children. Children belong in their own beds in their own rooms. My parents room was always "off limits" "private personal adult space" and we always respected that. Those that cater to the whims of small children will never be a full adult. How sad.
hey Bucktooth….do you even have kids? doesn't sound like it.
I have kids and I agree with Buck
I'm sorry for them.
Cheri:
I suspect YOU are the one without kids, sweet'ums. My wife and I have produced six children, and every one of them were in their own beds every night. "Co-sleeping" is just "bad parenting", Cheri. BTW, all six of our kids today are aged between 23 and 33, hold postgrad degrees, and are professionally employed in senior positions. As a parent, we have a "track record", Cheri. I will take out "track record" over your rants any day…
I see, that most of the people here aren't sensitive or caring parents or people, and for the record, I do have 6 kids sweet'ums, your wife must not have breastfed her kids because breastfeeding moms (and not the 6 week token breastfeeders) sleep next to their children because it's the natural thing to do. I bet you're a proud American sweet'ums, and guess what, all of your founder fathers were slept next to by their parents. Sick bastards. Formula companies and crib companies LOVE parents like you. You're exactly what the public schools want. FOLLOWERS. Climb out of the box you live in.
I have decided to dislike you Cheri.
I agree Buck. I have 7 kids ALL of whom sleep in their own beds. You have to be willing to bite the bullet and listen to some crying at first- but kids know when you are serious about something. Potty training is the same. I've met three year olds in diapers-I mean "pull-ups" which tells me that the parents are run by the kids. People who say that it is loving to have kids in their bed must not value their marriage much. Do these parents go to bed at the same time as their kids or just let them stay up?
Interestingly enough, after I wrote this piece I read the following in Good Housekeeping from Brooke Shields: "I think people let their kids express themselves a little too much these days. It's all sort of 'Let them be!' But there are rules."
She goes on to say she's the "bad cop" in her marriage; and in describing her husband, Chris, she writes, "It's not in his nature to be judgmental. That's great for our marriage, but not great for parenting. With kids, that gets you trampled on."
Interesting choice of words: judgmental. That's my point exactly. The idea that instilling discipline in children is somehow mean or judgmental… It's preposterous. The entire concept — a liberal concept, I might add — has handicapped an entire generation of parents.
Hitting kids used to be ok too. I'm glad that's not politically correct anymore. I say you can never be too kind to children. They are children. Prisons are full of people who had strict harsh parents. Nice parents have nice children. I have 6 of them, I know what I'm taking about. I've co-slept with all of them, and we still have small ones in our room with us. Children are expected to be mini adults by too many people. And P.S. Brooke Shields also said she didn't love her kids when they were born. They depressed her. How sad for those kids.
You wrote:
"Hitting kids used to be ok too."
Prisons are full of people who had strict harsh parents.
Hitting kids is still OK within rational bounds, and the world is full of successful and respectable people who got their fannies slapped when they got out of line as kids. Beating kids of course is an entirely different matter.
My mother used to yell at me when I did something wrong, but when I seriously misbehaved she used to take one of her house slippers off and whack me with it if she could catch me. The slipper weighed almost nothing and was soft, even on its sole, and it never did any more than leave a red spot for a few minutes whenever she got in a really good shot on my tucchas, but for the most part, whenever I saw that slipper coming off, I knew I was in deep $hit and took off like a rocket… In later years, whenever she mentioned her slipper, it became a family joke.
My father on the other had never hit me even once. But there was one time when he got so mad at me that he started to take a serious punch at me and at the last second he redirected his anger towards a wooden kitchen closet door behind me and split it in two, breaking two fingers on his hand in the process.
Millions of kids were brought up that way, and grew up to be disciplined, respectable and loving parents themselves. I remember what we were like in school, and later in college, and there's little similarity between us back then and the way so many kids behave today.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, if more mom's tried taking their slippers off when their kids cross the line.
hitting adults isn't ok, it's grounds for jail time, why is hitting kids ok? sounds like you're justifying your mother's lack of control, and apparently your fathers as well. It seems like it didn't make you a sensitive or caring person. I wouldn't hit my dog with a dirty slipper, let alone a small child. And just because millions of kids are treated badly and they get through it doesn't make it ok. And it doesn't sound like you have kids either. I always love how the childless jump in and tell those of us who have given someone a life how to raise our kids.
My oldest son is in law school (I tried to talk him out of it, I swear!)
And your entire reply is absurd.
If you can't tell the difference between spanking and hitting you belong in San Francisco with the rest of the loons. I was spanked on several occasions when I was really young, and I deserved it… Later, when I was 11 or 12, I was too tall and too fast to ever get a spanking, so my mother whacked me with her slipper when I seriously misbehaved (as I did quite often, just like all of my friends did back then). She never hit me in the face, only on my arms or my upper back or my fanny. I'm 6'3" and I was always a big kid, and what she did was gentle by comparison to other parents I knew. I never got hit with a belt or any object other than the palm of my mother's hand, and you would be lucky to have a family as warm, loving and humorous as mine.
I lived in a pretty typical big city suburb and not one of the kids I knew back then turned out bad. There was one kid who some people called a juvenile delinquent. He's a urologist now.
People, and especially kids, are resilient, and parents have been spanking and hitting their kids for as long as the family unit has existed. Do some people go overboard, of course, and some of their kids do wind up in prison like you said, but RATIONAL people know where the line is drawn, and they understand the concept of moderation. My best friend today likes to smoke a good cigar after dinner, but his wife hates the smell so he only does it in moderation, like when they're in a restaurant or when he's celebrating a special event.
There's nothing wrong with spanking, slapping or hitting your kids In Moderation ! If you don't want to do it with your kids that's your prerogative. Just make sure that your kids don't grow up thinking that they're the princes & princesses of the world who are entitled to a $250,000 starting salary the minute they get out of school and take their first jobs !
so slipper whacking, spanking, slapping or hitting your kids only on the arms, upper back and fanny makes ignorant homophobes. Thanks for clearing that up for me. I'm glad you were such a big tall kid, think what mama would have done if she caught your ass. I'm glad my kids don't run from me when I take my slippers off. Cheers.
You are absolutely out to lunch….
And yes, I also torture small animals for amusement when I don't have any kids around to whip…
I pity your poor kids having to grow up with such a flower child whacko for a mom. Don't be surprised if they grow up to be gay.
Swemson, give it up. Cheri is a loon that misunderstands the difference between parent and child. The basis of her blathering is that you have to have hypersensitivity and the willness to forgo establishing structure, rules and consequences in the home. Afterall, we know that structure and rules stunt the creativity and a childs growth don't we Cheri?? So Cheri, the next time that you hear your child or one of their friends claim that they don't have restrictions because their parents "don't care", it literally means that their parents have not made the effort to care and be parents.When my children were small, I did not fortunately have to spank them. It only took "the look" to straighten out the behavior or attitude. This being said, it was accomplished by consistent enforced rules, with clearly defined consequences for disobedience. Co-sleeping? Give me a break. The act of learning to sleep alone is the first step in learning autonomy and the responsibilities that come with it.
I finally figured that out.
Cheri,
I hope you children become productive adults, but I doubt it. I was a single, tough love mom. My son is now 31, is dating a wonderful lawyer, and both earn more than 150,000 annually. Neither have been in trouble in school or with the law.
He once bit me while teething, I bit him back. He cried, but never bit me or another human again.
Cheri:
You "co-slept" with all your kids? Then you failed them all, dear, every one of them. You should be ashamed instead of crowing your sanctimonuious twaddle here…
I love my kids and I expect them to do what I say because I love them. That is my job to teach them discipline or more appropriately, self-discipline and self -regulating behavior. I love being a parent. My wife and I agree on a plan of discipline and stick together. No parent splitting allowed. The kids still try to play mom against dad but we expect that. Our kids are smart and devious as are most kids. We lead by example. The kids slept in their own beds and went to bed at the same time most nights. They had this wacky thing called a "routine". We had family time, reading time, bed time. NO STRESS in our house. It was EASY! Discipline comes from the root word, disciple, or person who learns from someone who is hopefully wiser. Be the wise parent.
Consistant parenting is the key. Caring enough to hold your kids accoutable for their behavior is what helps to develop strong critical thinkers and self-regulating adults. Being a good role model for your child while supporting the other parent develops respect all around.
children are not adults and may have emotional needs that adults,especially messed up ones have forgotten what it was like to be a small child. there is a time for admitting kids into the bed and this foolish authors "advice " to never admit kids to your bed smacks of sheer ignorance and emotional confusion. of course parents need privacy. everyone knows that, but the saying that somehow harsh treatment is actually labeled as tough love is misleading. harshness, beating, berating and banishing are not a form of love. quoting brook shields is not a sign of knowledge or wisdom. Shields as we see in the media reports has been a disturbed girl and a disturbed mom and is no authority on parenting as she probably needs some help herself. (said with goodwill).
children need to learn about limits and boundaries, but being kicked out of the bedroom as a matter of policy is neither a matter of limits nor boundaries. i do empathize with the guy above that resents his wife sleeping with the boy for 12 years, thats a very ill situation and indicates that the spouse is psychologically ill and by now , perhaps the boy too.but it may be a sign of deep emotional and communication problems between this commentator and his wife. having the kids sleep in the parental bed does not imply a constant situation nor a drawn out affair and is best left to the family making sure that the child does develop a good sense of privacy but at the same time not get banned from the bedroom continuously or prematurely.
some families do real well with the whole family sleeping closely. it does give a lot of real love and security to the children and they will be at an advantage when they grow up. there needs to be a healthy balance in the sleeping matter. people who advocate spanking, banish the child from the bedroom and let the child"cry" themselves to sleep are erroneous, inadvertently abusive and are emotionally imbalanced or have an ignorant pediatrician "advising" them.
as much as i am disgusted by leftists when they are extreme , i am also appalled by "tough ass" people who have no sympathy for healthy emotions, for softness, for animals, for the environment and are also extremist and imbalanced themselves too. sorry
Considering that kids' influence permeates pretty much everything – media, entertainment, behavior, language, politics, commerce, you name it – why the fuss when it enters the bedroom?
For those who are interested: Google No Bull Mom (or click on my name, I think that takes you there) for a great piece called "Mean Mothers."
How did my parents' parents do it? They nursed the kids in the big bed, and when the kids were weaned they shared a bed with their siblings until they left home to fight WWII. It was the Depression, and they raised large families, because there was no birth control, on modest incomes with few amenities. My Dad's generation turned out hard-working, determined, thrifty, but generous to those in need.
It's not the sleeping arrangements that renders a generation incapable (although it can seriously impede the intimacy of marriage); it's verbal, emotional and physical (a thoughtfully applied swat does not count as abuse) abuse, too much free time applied poorly, no clear moral and ethical teaching, and lack of appropriate opportunities to grow responsibility, confidence and capability at a young age. Too much 'helicopter parenting,' criticism of every decision they make (they learn from their mistakes), and too many unearned rewards are destroying kids.
Cheri prob breastfed all of her kids till they were 4.