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Tiger Woods: Just the Facts

Posted on February 19 2010 6:35 pm
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A man walks about finely mowed lawns, followed by another man with nothing better to do than drag a tube on wheels containing assorted sticks. The first gentleman pauses occasionally to take one of the sticks from the tube on wheels and hit a small ball several times until it finally lands in a hole. Oceans of fans admire the gentleman of whom we are speaking because he can hit the ball into the hole with fewer swings than anybody else. He is paid millions to wear shirts decorated with special squiggles, while walking about lawns swinging at balls.

Global pandemonium breaks out when the man paid to wear the special squiggle shirts, previously considered to be a veritable paragon of human virtue, turns out to be a prolific adulterer. Exactly why all the men believed that prowess at the lawn game and qualification as a moral icon were synonymous is not yet certain.

The disgraced man ceased to walk about lawns with his collection of sticks. Today he gathered his family, the president of the national club for men who like to walk about lawns with their collections of sticks, and several million television viewers, to tell them that he is very sorry for not being the virtuous hero they believed him to be. He declared that he will refrain from walking about lawns swinging sticks until he is holy enough to play this game with the sanctity required by this particular form of recreation. The gentleman’s reason for reaffirming to the whole world that he was a common adulterer, is that he feels he owes it an apology for not being faithful to his wife.

Fans breathed a sigh of relief as their hero assured them that he, and not they, was responsible for breaking the vows he made to his wife on their wedding day. He said this in case someone actually thought it was something they had said or done that forced the gentleman, against his will and judgment, to betray his wife, hire prostitutes, invite acquaintances to sleep with him, profoundly damage his children’s home, along with their concept of right and wrong, and contribute to the erosion of the fundamental social virtue of veracity.

The man who hits balls with assorted sticks for a living said:

“I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did was unacceptable and I am the only person to blame. I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior.”

“I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn’t have to go far to find them.”

The man said that someday he will bring his friend with the tube on wheels and roam about the lawn trying to hit the ball into holes again, but he is not certain when. Many believe the disgraced ball hitter only said he is sorry so he will again be paid to wear shirts with the special squiggle.

The squiggle men are not sure they want their shirts on the stick man.  They fear the sight of the famous adulterous man will make other lawn-game men associate adultery with their squiggle.

The stick-swinging man’s confession dominated the news today. This must be the most important thing that happened in the world.

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