JE Tabler

John Podesta’s Unified Hope Theory

Posted on February 15 2010 10:00 am
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Many folks have been wondering of late why on earth Obama’s national defense review failed to mention Islam, jihad, or the threat of a nuclear Iran and focused instead on ManBearPig. Those folks are small thinkers who merely need to heed the advice of one John Podesta, a sage man whose writings explain it all. Thank Gaia his brilliant scholarship so obviously informs the policies on which our very safety depends.

John Podesta’s Unified Hope Theory allows all of the fundamental political forces (money, demographics, power, etc.) between all of the things from which we desperately need government to save us to be written in terms of a single hope. By “hope,” I refer, of course, to a belief which will certainly be proven true one day if you’re not too ignorant to “get it” and if we just keep throwing money at biased programs which serve to confirm these hopes. Podesta’s Theory is the mother of all hopes. Our future is so dependent upon this hope, in fact, that the fact that it was crafted in 2007 and serves to inform major policy decisions for 2011 is irrelevant because it is just that progressive.

Every failing state’s eventual demise can be explained by some facet of the Unified Hope Theory, which is fortunate, because otherwise Islam and communism would just be failed forms of government and that would be seriously inconvenient.

Cap and Tax is but one part of John Podesta’s Unified Hope Theory, and it has everything all on its own: collectivism, high taxes, redistribution of wealth, government larger than anything one could ever hope for, third worldism, guaranteed regression, and a sense of purpose derived from both stealing from the rich to make everyone poor forever and performing a continuous pagan sacrifice to Gaia with real, first-world dollars.

But Unified Hope Theory’s crown jewel is almost too delicious to be true, which must be why it seems so implausible. ManBearPig really is a national security issue, or at least it will be one day, inshallah. Our greatest national security threat in 2050 will be ManBearPig-induced jihad. No, really.

Invasion from nations which are hostile to us is unavoidable, it seems, so we have to give them our money now so they can have better weapons when they invade. This is so certain that we have no choice but to craft 2011’s national defense decisions around this scenario, which of course must take precedence over all other threats facing us today.

The problem of dependence on foreign oil is useful when making vague references to national security. Dismissing outright domestic production of oil and natural gas due to the peak oil hope, Podesta stresses the necessity of investment in new forms of energy which do not really work for anyone yet.

How and why dependence on foreign oil is an issue is rather problematic because presumably we should take issue with the transfer of wealth to nations from whom we currently buy oil, yet, under a cap and trade system, we would give them our money anyway, just without receiving anything in return.

Our enemies will unite with us when we have a common enemy which will cause them to invade our countries: ManBearPig. In the meantime, we should not develop our own resources, not buy anyone else’s, and just invest, invest, invest in a green future which will magically work out somehow. Our future overlords will be grateful for our tax dollars and they will be nicer to us because of them.

Sure, Iran is enriching uranium now to kill us as soon as possible, but imagine how nasty the mullahs will be when they become climate refugees. They will eventually abandon their nuclear program once they realize that nukes are powerless against MannBearPig, the greatest security threat facing us all.

So our national defense program for 2011 is essentially modeled on a plan for a Waterworldesque future in which radical Muslims, having been driven out of their countries by ManBearPig, will all have long since invaded all the nations which just happen to be developed, Western nations today. That we are to arm them in the meantime for a future in which they subjugate us is a given.

It is a tad eerie that the mullahs’ vision of the end of times is very similar to the logical consequences of John Podesta’s ideas in action, but I digress.

That climate change will likely bring us all under Islamic law is the reason why radical Islam is not mentioned even once in either the Pentagon’s Quadrennial Defense Review or its sister document, the Quadrennial Homeland Security Review. Bangladesh, where al-Qaeda will somehow eventually end up, will invade India (p. 118). ManBearPig will cause such great “political and economic turmoil” in East Africa in the coming years (p. 119) as to eclipse any reason for concern about al-Shabaab. One need only consider what MannBearPig did to Darfur (p. 20) to understand the gravity of the situation.

Since ManBearPig is the primary force behind Islamic radicalization, and since the Islamic invasion of Europe is apparently inevitable, throwing money at the problem will somehow magically help Europe’s future invaders assimilate. It says so on page 20:

Because most African and South Asian migration will be internal or regional, the expected decline in food production and fresh drinking water combined with the increased conflict sparked by resource scarcity will force more Africans and South Asians to migrate further abroad. The result is a likely surge in the number of Muslim immigrants to the European Union, which could exacerbate existing tensions and increase the likelihood of radicalization among members of Europe’s growing and often poorly assimilated Islamic communities.

Already, the majority of immigrants to most western European countries are Muslim. Muslims constitute approximately 5 percent of the European population, with the largest communities located in France, the Netherlands, Germany, and Denmark.24 Europe’s Muslim population is expected to double by 2025, and it will be much larger if, as we expect, the effects
of climate change spur additional migration from Africa and South Asia.

This is why, for instance, we need to develop Pakistan so that the Taliban can just blow everything up (p 44). We cannot waste defense dollars on weapons because we have to worry about assimilating the Taliban for when they take over Europe. Think big.

Those of you who do not understand the wisdom in ignoring the threat posed by radical Islam and throwing our defense budget into combating ManBearPig are small thinkers. Quadrennial Defense Reviews are supposed to be based upon apocalyptic scenarios is which not only have we lost the War on Terror Man-Caused Disasters, but Man-Caused Disasters have lost the War on ManBearPig.

Those who wish to destroy us today will be climate refugees one day, so we must socialize them to prepare for a future in which we really are all victims of economic and industrial development. See? It all makes sense if you just conflate the present with the future, jihad with ManBearPig, nature with inimical ideologies, and Al Gore’s fantasies with national security.

One day we will all be one world, united by socialism, hope-science, and government. Gaia will be supplicated with our future and the futures of our children. Sure, we will all be slaves or dhimmis but our ancestors were evil so we must act now. So come on. Let’s all follow John Podesta to his horrifying end-of-the-world scenario. Don’t forget to bring your tax dollars and your children’s tax dollars. Leave your weapons. They are no match for ManBearPig.

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