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Collector Conservatism, Part 4: Lawyer Roy and the Detroit Bomber

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Posted on January 7 2010 4:30 pm
Divorced Dad of three. Collection A.V.P. by day, humor/political blogger after the evening dishes. Looking for hot/wealthy/uber-lifted Scottsdale Granny for hi-jinks, hiking, and Saturday-morning coffee. Is this e-harmony?

To read Part 1, click here:

To read Part 2, click here:

To read Part 3, click here:

As the Conservative Collector, I take great pride in my many and sundry talents, including the ability to multi-task while chatting with an adversarial attorney.

Yesterday, my 1st day back to work after the holiday, I was simultaneously getting an earful from Lawyer Roy over at Torts Unlimited and reading the latest news about the Mad Muslim Bomber on my new Blackberry Pro-Tem.

(This phone is not available to you, by the way. You have to really know some people to get your hands on one.)

While Roy was shrieking about Hundergrass v. Connecticut, and case law this and blah blah that, I was transfixed by KT McFarland’s whup-job on the Obama Administration’s latest attempt to try a foreign terrorist in an American court.


During KT’s video and Roy’s harangue, I absently noted that my barrister friend would more than likely have no problem “lawyering up” (as KT calls it) a vicious jihadist and keeping investigators at bay while he filed his papers and motioned his motions.

But the subject wasn’t coming up. Roy was in typically high dudgeon. His client was an executive of one of the largest media conglomerates on the planet, who had sued my employer (and me) for the crime of threatening to to pursue litigation against her and then actually following through on what we had promised.

While Roy postured and puffed about the “debilitating stress” caused by our attempt to “trick” his client into paying her contractual obligation, McFarland was asking why we should give preferential treatment to foreign combatants over American military personnel. (Yes, those Navy seals.)

Why do three of the Navy’s finest get court-martialed while an assassin  like Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab gets someone like Roy to protect him and coddle him and conceivably get him off the hook on some sort of technicality?

Why is our government so thoroughly messed up?

As McFarland tried to make clear (over repeated interruptions from Roy), Obama’s attempts to placate our enemies are only drawing more and more contempt:

“President Obama believes that many of the ills besetting America are the result of the Bush Administration’s policies, and if we reverse course and apologize and are deferential enough, well, those ills will disappear. So far it hasn’t worked. Al Qaeda is spreading to new countries, recruitment’s up, and they’re sending a new wave of suicide bombers to attack us.”

Just as (in a much smaller way) trying to be reasonable with a lying and scheming ambulance-chaser was bound to get me nowhere but Troublesville  – even though I hadn’t done anything wrong or even close to wrong.

Guys like Roy, in their own minor-league way, are pretty adept at smelling weakness, so you can’t just roll over on your back for them. If I wanted any instruction in the futility of apologizing and trying to make it right, all I had to do was look at our President’s first year in office.

Back to Roy. I decided I would act decisively and firmly.

“Hey, Roy, we’re old friends, right?”

It was true – he and his firm had sued us a bunch of times, although he had never named me as a co-defendant prior to this. Maybe the fact that I had forgotten his  Harry and David Christmas basket had something to do with it.

My  antagonist paused for a moment. I imagined a prairie dog, whiskers all aquiver, wondering if that’s a snake he senses, or what.

“Sure”, he said, his voice oily and unctuous and absolutely insincere.

“Well, Roy, I’ve got an idea for you. Since I forgot your gift this last holiday season, I was wondering what I could do to make it up to you. So I thought I would send you on a vacation. What do you think of that?”

“Alright” he said, although I could tell he still had his guard up.

“So here’s what we’re going to do…we’re going to fly you first class all the way to Michigan…Detroit to be exact…and we’re going to make you famous.

“How would you like that?”

There was a long silence as he chewed over my proposition.

In the end, the bait was just too tasty to pass up.

“OK…what do I have to do?”

“Well, there’s this person you see, a Nigerian National to be exact…and all you have to do is represent him in civilian court.

“First I need you to sign a release regarding this silly little action you just filed against my employer and myself.”

We shall see how things go for Roy and his new client over the coming days. My guess is that they’re perfect for each other – and that neither will get what he deserves.

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